dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
