Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
