My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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