We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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