I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
