Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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