you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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