his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
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He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
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State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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