I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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