I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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