chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
