if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
