Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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