You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
