My liver just broke up with me...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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