So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
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He managed to light the Jello on fire...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
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I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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