i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
