I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
