Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
