Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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