the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
