i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
