When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I AM VODKA MAN
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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