Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
