I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
farters have to be the big spoon...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
