Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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