so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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