Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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