Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
