I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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