I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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