My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
