mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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