the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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