what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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