My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
