Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
