3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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