my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
