She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
