i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
a search helicopter?!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
