The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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