haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
