yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
