In America we eat man semen.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
