Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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