is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize