my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
