My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
from now on my penis is your penis
I smell stomach acid.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
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