I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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