she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
