I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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