You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
