last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
