man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
