"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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